Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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