Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
