i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
