wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
