i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
