hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
