i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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