Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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