life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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