im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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