Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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