My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
