My hand turned me down
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
