we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
