i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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