Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
