Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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