and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
