sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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