I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
