sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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