Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
