dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
