Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
