If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
