you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
