It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
