i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
