Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
