When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Vodka?
Forever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
