you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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