I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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