I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
