I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Success! We fucked roommates!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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