She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
