i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
