I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
