you traded sex for a burrito?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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