Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
