You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
