Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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