you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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