I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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