We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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