I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
