Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Come see our sink grown plant.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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