Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
