I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
