6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
