Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
